


Starting Now

by Scripturience



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Break Up, Humanstuck, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 05:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1254655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scripturience/pseuds/Scripturience
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kankri wanted closure. He wanted to regain control over his life. He wanted to start over. </p><p>And this was the only way he could do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starting Now

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics taken from Ingrid Michaelson's ["Starting Now"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-__CuasqL4&feature=kp)

“Kanny….” Porrim said, reaching over to the passenger’s seat to place a hand on his shoulder “You know you don’t have to do this. We can just go back to my place and I’ll send someone else over.”

Kankri shrugged her off with a deep sigh. “Porrim, while I do appreciate your concern over my wellbeing, as well as the ride you provided over here, I must insist that you refrain from meddling in this affair. I assure you that I will be perfectly fine.”

“Right…” she replied, averting her gaze. “Well, just call me when you need me to pick you up. Or if anything happens.”

“I shall do that. Thank you.” He answered flatly.

“Kankri I mean it, if he shows up-“

“Porrim.” He cut her off sternly. Opening the door, Kankri gathered his bags and stepped out of the car. He gave one last sincere “Thank you, Porrim,” before his friend took off.

He understood why she didn’t want him to do this. Hell, part of Kankri didn’t want to do it either. But above all he needed closure. And this was the only way he could get it.

_I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb_

_I want to shut out all the lights in this room_

Still, no matter how much he told this to himself, the Cancer found that he just couldn’t will his legs to move. The apartment building loomed over him, casting a shadow over his form and onto the sidewalk. He felt ridiculous. He knew that it was empty. No one was home. That was the whole reason it had to be today. But even the knowledge that he wouldn’t run into anyone inside wasn’t enough to quell the sinking feeling in Kankri’s stomach. It was hard coming back so soon. There were too many memories.

He remembered seeing it three years ago. The first time he laid eyes on it was in the poorly-taken picture he found on Craigslist. Kankri still remembered the ad. “Roommate wanted. No pets. Must be tolerable of smoking and guitar practice at late hours.” He couldn’t help but laugh to himself for being desperate enough to answer an ad that stupid. And yet here he was, after years of living with the same idiot who made it.

_I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink_

_Scrub away all these thoughts that I think of you_

A cool breeze blowing through his hair brought Kankri back to reality, and he reminded himself that he had a job to do. There would be plenty of time for regret later. But for now, the clock was ticking. Taking a deep breath, Kankri picked his bags up off the pavement and made his way towards the apartment. He could do this. There was no reason he couldn’t. But no matter many times he told these things to himself, Kankri found his resolve wavering with each step closer to the door.

By the time he reached the door, Kankri could feel his heart beating in his ears. “You can do this….” He muttered to himself, reaching down into his pocket to retrieve the key he still had. After a minute of fumbling with the lock, he was able to turn the doorknob and finally step inside.

_So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil_

_Feel like I watch from 6 feet under the soil_

After setting his things down near the door, Kankri shut it behind him. When he actually turned around to face his former domicile, he was hit with the most intense nostalgia being gone for less than 2 weeks can bring. Everything looked so familiar. Of course it did, he used to live here. It hadn’t even been a month yet.

Cronus. Cronus Ampora. Kankri hadn’t allowed himself to say that name since he left. He refused. Even Porrim saying it was enough to make his brow furrow. He felt disgusting every time he heard it.

_Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears_

It made him think about things. It made him remember things, things that he didn’t want to. About the suave wanna-be greaser boy who liked music decades older than he was. The one who won over the strict preacher’s son with his charms. The one that Kankri lived with for 3 years. The one that he fell in love with.

_But I re-count the countless tears that I lost for you_

He was a mistake. And mistakes needed to be fixed. They needed to be forgotten, erased even.

_But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -_

Shaking his head, Kankri put the thoughts out of his mind. He had work to do. And it was now or never.

But despite his adamant attempts to will his memories away, with each shaky step Kankri took further into the apartment, he still found them forcing their way into his head.

Taking his first bag with him, Kankri made his way into the kitchen, preparing to set to work on the most important thing he came here for first. He walked straight up to the cabinet next to the fridge, and opened it to reveal shelves full of fine china. His deceased grandmother’s fine china, to be more specific. He set to work on methodically taking each one down. He carefully wrapped each piece in newspaper and stacked them in one of the duffle bags Porrim supplied for him.

_Starting now I'll never know your name_

He felt stupid for bringing them in the first place. Though it wasn’t like he had a choice, they were the only sets of dishware he had. Luckily Kankri’s father trusted him enough to send him off with them. For the first week after moving in, he refused to let Cronus use them. He assumed that the greaser had his own set, and besides, he would probably end up breaking them or something. Kankri would never be able to forgive himself if he allowed that to happen.

It was later that he discovered that Cronus didn’t even own so much as a plate to eat off of. The irresponsible man took to eating directly off of whatever surface was within reach. Kankri got chills just thinking about it. So unsanitary. Upon discovering this, he reluctantly decided to share his dishware. How could he allow him to put his health at risk like that? Not to mention it left a mess everywhere, and it was his living space too. Besides, someone had to look out for that overgrown child. Although, he was only allowed to use the plates under supervision at first.  He didn’t trust Cronus that much. Not yet, anyway. He would later, of course. After….other, developments.

_Starting now I'll never feel the same_

How stupid he was.

_Starting now I wish you never came into my world._

Soon enough, he was finished with his delicate task. All of the plates, cups, and bowls were securely wrapped and carefully stashed away. Cautiously picking up the now full duffle bag, Kankri brought it back to the others and picked up another one, setting off to his next destination.

* * *

 

After he was finished gathering every trace of himself from the rest of the apartment, Kankri went to his former bedroom. He took his last bag with him, leaving others filled with every possession he could find (mostly books).

Pushing the door open, Kankri stepped inside. There wasn’t much here. He didn’t keep too much in his bedroom. They had a bookshelf out in the living room, so that’s where most of his novels and such went. He was mainly here for his clothes and bedding.

As Kankri began pulling things out of his closet and folding them, he noted that his wardrobe was a lot more varied than he remembered. Upon closer inspection, that was because several of the shirts hanging up were Cronus’s. He made sure to leave those behind.

After he was finished with yet another tedious task, Kankri was exhausted. This was proving to be both a physically and mentally draining, more so than he initially expected. His former bed suddenly looked _very_ inviting.

_I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin_

With a heavy flop, Kankri fell into the mattress. However, he quickly found himself regretting this decision. His bedding positively reeked of Cronus’s favorite cologne. The clingy Aquarius spent more nights in Kankri’s room than his own. He liked cuddling a little bit too much. Though Kankri never complained. Even when it made him under slept for work, he didn’t mind. Even now he was finding it harder to sleep at Porrim’s place. Or rather, he was finding it harder to sleep alone.

_I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin_

When was the last time these sheets were cleaned?

_Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains_

_Spinning away every piece that remains of you._

* * *

 

After cramming his bedding into the washing machine, Kankri suddenly found himself with nothing to do. Everything else was already packed up and ready to go. He tried watching the TV for a little while, but quickly grew disinterested. He was never much for television anyway.

And so, the Cancer found himself with nothing to do but think. Unfortunately for Kankri, Cronus was pretty much the only thing on his mind.

_But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -_

Regret. There was a lot of regret. Kankri wasn’t really sure why, considering none of this was his fault. Maybe he regretted leaving. For giving up what they had.

He couldn’t stop thinking about how happy they were. Kankri honestly never saw himself with a person like Cronus. But it had been such a new experience for him. They came from different worlds. He was a lower-class honors student, and Cronus was a rebellious rich boy with daddy issues. They both came all the way out here to broaden their horizons. Looking back, Kankri never realized how lucky he was to have found Cronus, if only because he was offering a place to live for next to nothing. He didn’t need the money, after all.

_Starting now I'll never know your name_

They didn’t get along, at first. Well, to be more specific, Kankri hated Cronus, and Cronus just wanted companionship. He kept to his room for almost the entirety of the first month. However, eventually they got to know each other better, if only because of Cronus’s persistence. Before he knew it they had become incredibly close friends. And then eventually…something more.

It kind of surprised him really. Kankri never considered himself the “relationship type.” But despite his prior expectations, he found himself to be okay with the idea of it being Cronus. Which must have seemed ridiculous to onlookers. The uptight preachy boy and the desperate grease ball hooking up. Who’d have thought? Not Kankri. That was for sure.

_Starting now I'll never feel the same_

But he didn’t give all of that up. No, it wasn’t him. He wished that it had been. He _wished_ that it was his fault. Because Kankri knew Cronus could forgive him. But that’s not how things happened. Otherwise, he wouldn’t even be doing this.

Kankri stared into the clear window of the washing machine in front of him. For a while he just watched the sheets swish around in the drum. When they were done, they would come out clean. And every trace of Cronus’s smell would be gone. It made Kankri kind of jealous. It was stupid, being envious of linens, but he was.

_Starting now I wish you never came into my world._

They could be washed clean. A fresh start. Kankri wanted that. But it would never happen. Cronus would be a scar on his past that he could never be rid of. They were together for far too long. They grew together, changed each other. No, Kankri thought, he would never be able to forget those 3 years with Cronus Ampora.

_It's my world, it's not ours anymore_

But that sure as hell didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try.

_It's my world, it's not ours anymore_

That’s why he was here today. This was about taking control. Taking back his life. Porrim kept telling him that it was too soon, that he needed more time. Well, for Kankri, it wasn’t soon enough.

_Starting now I'll never know your name_

Yes. He was going to do it. He was going to gather up all the pieces of his life he left here, and walk out the door with them. And he would leave the rest of it behind. All of the memories, his heartbreak, and Cronus himself. All of it would be in the past.

_Starting now I'll never feel the same_

And without all of that weighing him down, Kankri could move on. He could finally move on to a life without Cronus Ampora.

_Starting now I wish you never came into my world._

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that was a first for me. I've never really done this kind of thing before. So uh, sorry if I royally fucked that up, I guess. I just had the idea for a while now, only as a lyric stuck. And no one else was doing it, so I took it upon myself to. Anyways yeah, rambling aside, I hope this was at least enjoyable for all of you despite my fumbling.


End file.
